The shock whispers in the tunnels of my mind.
What the hell just happened? We were doing okay
in our daily struggle to make a buck
but this bullet between the eyes gives me
one million reasons to feel dead
The angry scream cuts through the silence -
Who the fuck are they?
Making arbitrary decisions that change
the lives of others as if
they were simply chips in a poker game
The waves of disappointment
ripple the surface. What just happened to me
- has been twenty years in the making
as I let my little experiment disprove my own hypotheses.
I screwed up and it hurts!
Guilt comes so naturally in words I live by.
How do I make it up? The millions wasted and lost
because of my personal carelessness, blind trust,
and my flirtation with Peter’s principle
– I found my level of incompetence.
I am afraid! What am I going to do?
How do I find a job when I feel so in need of a rest?
How do I put food on the table? How do I pay the bills?
What will keep us healthy as we carry our age into tomorrow?
Where does the next buck come from? Who will hire an old man?
And yet, what a relief tomorrow’s freedom could be.
A time to be with my family in the land of green
Time to walk my dog at my own pace
A time to smell the hyacinth and watch the cherry blossoms
falling like snow over the fields of daffodils.
Come to think of it, what really matters to me? Who am I
When I don’t have a job to go to – a purpose to fulfill,
others to satisfy, and things to get done.
I wonder what is the special tune that
my spirit will sing to?
In the despair of a day without borders
what is letting go to a man
that clings to illusions of enough control
to make each day a better place
if not giving into helplessness and failure
I’ve not felt so alone in such a long time -
Is this loneliness or self pity?
At work, on my own like the living dead
present but not involved
a ghost without influence
My mother’s words
“Maybe it will all work out for the best”
Could this be true? My wife believes – can I?
Cashing in my chips and taking a new journey
listening to my own music, reading for enjoyment
watching movies, yoga for my body. A better reality?
The recordings play through again
and again they keep me from the moment
I breath, I feel the temperature in the room,
I hear the sounds about me. I sense the ache in my body
and the meeting begins anew.