Envy And Despair
"Beautiful despair is playing safe when you were once a rebel child, knowing that tomorrow comes and all you've done is last another mile." ~ Rodney Crowell)
Yes, I was once a rebel child, acting out in class, talking back to my teachers, scowling at the School Principal strapping my hand until I cried out. I wanted to cause my peers to laugh, surprise them with my uncensored behaviour, earn their respect. But I went at it the wrong way, got the wrong kind of attention, and had my clown child beaten out of me.
From that age on, I chose to be a good boy, trying to put the needs of others before my own, living quietly, hiding in the press of work. I strove to create things, working with ideas as my canvas, clay, and stone, but despite the intellectual passion I felt for what I was doing, nothing of much value emerged because the inner child slept through it all.
"Beautiful despair is hearing Dylan when you're drunk at 3:00 a.m. knowing that the chances are, no matter what, you'll never write like him." ~ Rodney Crowell)
Now, in my retirement, I try to salvage some element of my inner self through the creative work of digital photography and fiction writing. I invite the goof that danced around the desks, said his taboo thoughts out loud, used wit to get the attention of others – just to shout out, “I’m here!”. Today, I hear only silence.
I want an interesting poet to emerge through my fingertips, to take me to a higher level of writing. I want to surprise myself, make magic with beautiful phrases and deep words. I want to be present to my own inner gifts.
mist distorts my reflection
in the bathroom mirror